Monday, September 2, 2013


Something suddenly pricks the heart, exactly right there where it happens to carry the feeling called saudade. A surge of indescribable pain and a heavy mist of worthless longings fill the room, surpassing every other feeling that resides there. The heart knows that the reality is different and accepts the harsh veracity that these longings will forever remain futile. The loss is too big to be ever filled by anything else; perhaps too close as well.

Brick by brick, the world turns concrete
Word by word, I still keep you alive
The surge, the pain, and the futile longings
Glints of bliss embedded within.

Misty mornings and the autumn leaves
The golden, the barren; merged in soil
Watered in tears and in silence.
In words, in clutters, and emptiness.

How not to love you; I find it hard
Why to hold on, I know not
Life goes on, over the rail tracks
With box full of memories tugged along

Ways of heart, O! How to comprehend
Tenho saudades tuas, it is the love that remains
"saudade [saw-oo-da-ji] (Noun) is a Portuguese and Galician word that has no direct translation in English. It is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for something or someone that was loved and then lost, with the knowledge that it or they might never return; “the love that remains”.
It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling. In Portuguese,
"Tenho saudades tuas" (European Portuguese) or "Tenho saudades de você" (Brazilian Portuguese), translates as "I have saudade of you" meaning "I miss you", but carries a much stronger tone. In fact, one can have saudade of someone whom one is with, but have some feeling of loss towards the past or the future.  
Saudade is seventh most difficult word to translate of all words in all languages and thus is, unsurprisingly, untranslatable.  
Interestingly in Brazil, a Suadade Day is celebrated and the official Saudade Day is on January 30" Source: Wikipedia

 I have saudade of many things. And I have tried to list seven of them here in this post.

1. My maternal Grandparents: Unfortunately I didn't have the luck to grow up in their laps for certain familial reasons. But whatever time I have spent, were priceless. My heart longs for them, for their love, care, and the innumerable rajkahinis. I wish I had them a li’l more.

 2. Bicycle: No matter how big I grow up this acute urge to go to school riding my own Ladybird with books and bunch of flowers in its front basket can never leave my soul alone. My heart cries to realize that I never got this chance to fulfill this dream. This unfulfilled desire follows me relentlessly.

Read my poem  Bicycle Stories. ~incomplete .

 3. Yellow Butterfly: I was very small back then. And there she was fluttering on the floor, the smallish butterfly I have ever seen. Bright yellow in color. My mother and sister woke me up so that I can look at it. I saw and it was an instant love. I don’t know what hit me; I cupped my hands over it, lest it flies away. The yellowish powder from its wings were stuck on my palm. And there she was-DEAD. In my innocence to protect it, I killed it. The guilt remains and unlike that yellow butterfly it refuses to die. I have loved it with all my heart. Now the love and the guilt follow me together.

4. Bayzid: My closest friend from school, who one day left me just like that. Not even a note he left for me. Why? May be someday he will come back to answer.

 5. My Diary and that sketchbook: I was never into diary writing. But I had one diary which was filled with scribbling, doodles, and yes stickers and stick-stones. There I had written one epic love letter (Anthony Gonsalvis to her Roopmati), using titles of many Hindi cinemas. It was my top notch piece of fiction letter and as it was written in those days when I had yet not taken up writing, was very close to my heart. Somehow it got leaked and I am proud to say that it made me quite famous in school and even my teachers could not resist smiling while reading it. About my sketchbook, well I can still visualize those strokes of pencils. The one that was my favorite was the one where I had sketched myself. I was sitting on bed with my legs stretched straight and the sketchbook on my lap. From my feet, I started to sketch myself and reached up to my neck and then there was some errand bunch of hair.

I don’t sketch any more. Nor do I decorate the pages of my diary. Sigh!

6. Pets: The love and bond I shared with them have surely surpassed the time. I pray wherever they are, they stay good.

7. Green Crocodile: I was never a doll person, nor did I ever like the extravagant toys. Rather I love small toys that we can find on traffic signals and in small toy-stores. The story dates back to my college days when I had crossed the age of playing with toys. One day my aunt bought this crocodile for his son. But the moment I saw it I knew it was mine. I did not cared a bit about my cousin's feeling and grabbed hold of it. It was meant to be mine forever and it was mine. Green in color; it used to crawl when the key was churned on. While crawling, its mouth used to open and close in perfect rhythm. The handle of the key was also in the shape of a crocodile; a smallish green crocodile. Then on one day, I found it broken. Needless to say my heart broke too.

I found the same toy in Haridwar, but my mom didn't buy it for me, saying that she will buy it from the next shop as the quality here is tad bad. Next, in no toy shop it was available. Few months back, I found a similar toy which was being sold in the traffic light area of Chirag Delhi. It was big in size and was multicolored. Again I Could not buy it.

Till date my heart and my eyes search for that green crocodile in every toy store. No luck yet. Sigh!

This list is in-exhaustive and I chose not to write about certain people and things.

I am sorry for a very long post again. I could not control my feelings. Who knew that this festival and this theme will let me discover myself?

Today I heartily celebrated my 1st official Saudade Day. 


Now dear readers, if you are still reading, do tell me what do you have saudade of? May you all celebrate a bit of your Saudade Day too,  right here in MyWhiteWindow


I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st - 7th September 2013.

My Theme: To write on seven words that
  • We don't hear generally 
  • Non-English words 
  • Words that are untranslatable in English 
  •  Let's see, how can I include more varieties. 
  • And in the process to self-discover myself.

Let me know what do you think about my choice of theme for this Seven days of Writing Festival. 

Word suggestions are highly welcomed. So com'on bring it on. :)

Write Tribe

Look what I found while researching for Saudade, a beautiful collection of songs from an album called Saudade. Listen to them here at